Friday, September 23, 2011

INFERTILITY & I

Have you ever wondered how I came up with Babies in Bellies? Well, they were for me. I wanted to be able to show off my unborn babies so much and I couldn't find anything online that matched what I envisioned so I drew it out myself. I mean I had already been trying for over 2 years and on prenatal vitamins for 3 at that time, it was bound to happen any day...

See, here's something that I haven't shared with too many people. I've been trying to get pregnant for a long, long time. If you're thinking that you're about to read a story that ends with a baby - you're wrong. Why am I coming out with this information then? Well, I've searched all over the internet and there are plenty of happy endings and lots of forum discussing the as you go failures and next steps, but almost nothing about those who said: "I've had enough" at some point and chose not to have their life centered around menstrual cycles anymore and came to terms with an idea of the childless future. So, I'm sharing here, something very personal, because I'm sure, I'm not the only one. There must be others. 

This was going to be my last year trying anyway, but with 3 months to spare and one final trick to go for (the IVF - the mighty procedure that would raise my chances to whooping 40%!!!), I'm saying: I'm done, I'm finished, no more. There will be no more people looking at and into my privates several times a month, there will no more hormones, hot flashes, mood swings and crying. Neither there will be any more shots that are also used to give to boys if their balls don't drop and that made my arm hurt for about 5 days.  But mainly there will be no more of the crazy unknown that maybe, hopefully, it'll happen this month...

 "It'll probably never happen for us" - I've said it several times in the past, but I never really believed it. I always thought that by some miracle it would happen, that yes I would get pregnant, even better yet, I would get pregnant with twins so that I can have 2 babies right away instead of 1. I never really thought that at some point I will have to realize and come to terms with the fact, that this is not what I want to do anymore. Because at this point I'm not"giving up", I am getting a life back.

So, as I'm throwing away the twenty or so remaining ovulation kits, I don't feel guilty or sad or even disappointed, I actually feel quite liberated. And so I sprinkle them with prenatal vitamins and to top it all off, I trow in the unused pregnancy test still in it's pink wrapping.

6 comments:

  1. Good for you Kasia !

    I know some probobaly will give me this kind of look... ( why am I saying this? ) with disgrace ..
    But .. I can only imagine leaving with hope all the time .. and leaving only this hope..
    But it is good to know what you want ! And goos to think about You. If you realise it now ! Good for you. And all the bests :) Thank you for sharing the story.

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  2. Kasia, this could be my story! Although you have gone through much lengthier methods than I have. We have both reached the same conclusion, I suppose. Although I am certain that there are things that I am missing out on by not sharing in the Motherhood sorority, I can definitely say, wholeheartedly, that I do love my life and the freedom to do all the that I want...and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I am not meant to be a biological Mom...but there are options, if I so desire.

    So kudos to you for your sensibilities and all of your creativity! I enjoy seeing all of your artwork (am jealous that I apparently have zero artistic ability!) and look forward to more!

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  3. Thank you Mada and Kim!!! Thank you very very much!

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  4. I'm glad decision has been made Kasia and if you're happy I'm happy for you :). Now concentrate on your painting and creating!!!

    xxaga

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  5. You dear, dear girl. Congratulations on your decision to be free from all that. Karmen (from photo class)

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to following your blog and reading more about your fresh start.

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